Titus Andronicus Book

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CELEBRITY DEATH MATCH

JANE EYRE VS HAMLET


JANE EYRE (dressed in full armour, with beard, and speaking in a ridiculous gruff voice)

Now, Wamlet, hear:
'Tis given out that, sleeping in my worchard,
A serpent stung me; so the whole wombat of Denmark
Is by a forged process of my death
Wankly abused: but know, thou noble youth,
The serpent that did sting thy father's life
Now wears his cwown.

[The Governessator is toying with the credulous Prince.]

HAMLET
O my prophetic soul! My uncle!

JANE EYRE :
Ay, that incestuous, that adulterate beast,
With witchcraft of his wit, with woeful wifts,--
O wicked wit and wilts, won to his whameful wust
The will of my most weeming-wirtuous queen

(JANE begins to giggle)

O Wamlet, what a walling-off was where!

(HAMLET is looking bewildered, dismayed - is this how spirits talk?)

Closer, boy!

(HAMLET draws nearer)

But yet closer!

(As HAMLET steps closer to his father's GHOST, Jane draws back her basket-hilted mortuary sword, whirls it through the air, and with a mild thwip!! and a spray of bright blood Hamlet's head leaves his body in a graceful parabola, like the final lemming from a clifftop. No need for Acts Two, Three, Four or Five now. )

JANE (dripping, taking off the helmet and fake beard) : It's getting too fucking easy.