How To Survive Your Boyfriend's Divorce Book

I hesitated several months before deciding to read this book. While making up my mind, I read the reviews and the free portions on Google Books; chew on the tidbits and think some more. A week ago, I bit the bullet (note: while PMS'ing) and purchased/downloaded it to my Android, then stayed up one night until about 3 o'clock in the morning reading.

Unfortunately, I didn't sleep particularly well after reading four or five chapters. The next couple nights I read again, until somewhere in Chapter 8 -- the one that asks whether or not you are a "Transitional Girlfriend." At the sentence where the author says, "Well, you are!...regardless of what you're telling yourself...", I lost all respect for her 'expertise' and, after more thought, decided to not continue reading and deleted the book from my handheld and my purchase library.

Here's why:

I respect her personal experience. For whatever reason, her dating a separated and/or divorcing man did not end with any happy "ever after" together. I didn't like the tone of the book book but I still respect that she probably invested quite a bit of herself into something that didn't end the way she might hoped.

That said...

I was reading a book by a woman whose perspective is anything but neutral. It has a decided bend toward "beware, because this sucks." It is very negative, caustic; there is a way to deliver cautionary news without being completely negative.

The author does not know me or my partner, or our children, our backgrounds, eye color, allergies or where we live.

She does not know our situation, nor the two years of conversation and discovery, nor the continued slow but enjoyable and fairly steady (and, yes, frustrating, at times) unfolding of our lives, together and apart (because my situation is also long-distance). She does not know the "friends" we have who suggest we see other people -- because they have their own, likely jealous or immature, agenda. We laugh about this privately, with love, because their "well meaning" suggestions are rather undermining. Not everyone is daring or courageous (or crazy enough) to date someone who is still separated (read: still married).

The author, as many do, writes about her experience. It is one gal's narrative in a library of men and women trying to figure out a complicated, emotional thing. What she knows is that her date-a-divorcing man thing did not end positively. Maybe in hindsight she is happier, but suffice it to say at the time things ended she was hurt, angry, and I'm guessing, she felt used and maybe even duped or lied to.

And I agree: that would totally suck!! I hope that is not the outcome of the whatever-it-is I am currently in ("relationship" is a word I don't often use, but that's another essay); in my private thoughts, public here, I see us arriving at the beginning of an "us" because we're good to each other. No lies, no BS, nothing not out in the open. Are there any guarantees? Oh, hell, no. This whole thing is a risk -- but most good things are.

There are many, maybe too many, 'real life' example couples in this book. So many, it reads like a soap opera character roster...when Janice met Pete...when Marvin and Loretta went on vacation. The book, the examples, would be better served streamlined to he said/she said or if this happens, don't do that, etc.

So much of dating is common sense: don't date a liar; be honest with what you want and hope for; don't reroute your life/week/day/date for someone who does not openly and eagerly tell you they see a future with you, even a future as near as the next date. A man who hides you probably has something else he's hiding. Ask. Use your head, and when your head's not working or you need a sounding board, talk with a trusted friend.

Much vibe of this book rests on a foundation of distrust, betrayal, suspicion and 'I told you so' -- it's hard to see any redeeming qualities in a person who is separated let alone considering or actively divorcing, but they are there.

I put my partner and me under a fuzzy, inaccurate microscope while reading this book until the revelation that the ONLY person(s) who can appropriately say if we are working well together are him and me. Period. Our friends can have their say, as can family, but this is between us (with primary considerations to our respective children). Frankly, we don't care what other people say. This is about what is right for us.

Will we make it? I have no idea, nor do I want to speculate. But I know we love each other, our kids are happy, we're happy, and the rest is up to time, energy, positive thinking and a few things we have no control over. I have a great deal of faith, and he is a huge optimist.

One thing at a time. I trust and respect my partner; whatever he needs to do for himself, he'll do. He's a big boy, capable of decision making. I choose to stand nearby and support him should he decide to change his life. Eyes wide open. And, I am free to go; to choose a fully available partner.

Use your head and listen to your gut. Buy a really good book on intuition or meditation instead of this Debbie Downer.

UPDATE: After 3.5 years long-distance, we closed the gap in 2016 and have been happily cohabiting and enjoying life together.