Merry Kitschmas Book

	A Few Thoughts on Kitschmas	10
Chapter 1	Oh, Kitschmas Tree, Oh Kitschmas Tree!
	I'm Dreaming of a White-Trash Kitschmas	14
	Happy Huladays Tree	17
	Valley of the Dolls Tree	21
	Handy His-and-Her Tree	23
	The Tree of the Future	26
	Jingle Ball and Weenie Trees	29
Chapter 2	Deck the Halls (and Walls and Daais and Flaais) with Lotsa Tchotchkes! Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
	Kitschmas Wreaths	34
	Too Tired Wreath	34
	Have Your Elves a Merry Little Kitschmas Wreath	34
	A Wreath of Franklins	38
	The Urban Legend Fruitcake Wreath	38
	Berry White Wreath	39
	He Sees You When You're Sleeping Night-Light	42
	Naughty and Nice Stockings	45
	The Bad Girl's Ho Ho Ho Stocking	47
	The Manipulative Parent's Reversible Stocking	47
	NASDAQ Stock-ing	47
	The Judy Garland	48
	No Room at the Inn Lighting Extravaganza	50
	Junk For Joy!	53
Chapter 3	Bring the Kitsch Out of the Kitchen, It's Time to Eat!
	Yes You Can, It's Kitschmas!	58
	Kitschy Cola Canned Ham, Ya Ya	60
	Can-do Caramelized Potatoes	61
	Tiny Tim's Teensy Feast	62
	Tiny Tim's Turkey	64
	Holly Golightly's Breakfast at Tiffany's	65
	Single Girl's Champagne Bucket	67
Chapter 4	Figgy Pudding and Other Desseits of Kitschmas Past
	What a Bunch of Fruitcakes!	70
	Your Basic Fruitcake	72
	The Vegetarian Fruitcake	75
	The Certifiable Fruitcake	75
	The Paranoid Fruitcake	75
	The Closet Fruitcake	76
	That Toothless Cousin Fruitcake	76
	Here's Your Frigging Pudding	78
	Mincemeaty Pye	80
	Gee Whiz Gelatin	82
Chapter 5	Get into the Kitschmas Spirits!
	... and a Partridge in a Pear Tree	88
	Santa's Little Helper	90
	Frosty the Chocoholic Snowman	91
	The Sugarplum Fairy	93
	Santa's Hot Buttered Rum Balls	94
	Office Kitschmas Party Punch	97
	Yellow Snow Cone	99
	Kitschmas Jigglepolitan	102
	Rudolph the Rehab Reindeer's Nose	105
Chapter 6	Don We Now Our Gay Apparel!
	Why do You Think They Call It a Tree Skirt?	108
	Protective Plastic Eating Poncho	109
	Merry Janes	110
	Fashion Statement Sweatshirts	112
	Kitschmas Koiffures!	115
	Let It FRO, Let It FRO, Let It FRO	115
	Hark! The Farrah Angel Wings!	117
	That Kissmas Girl!	117
	Kitschmas Tree Hive	117
	Merry Kitschmas to All, and to All a Good Night!	119
	Table of Equivalents	120