Divorce and New Beginnings: A Complete Guide to Recovery, Solo Parenting, Co-Parenting and Stepfamilies Book

I	Laying the Foundation: Coping Successfully with Divorce	1
1	The Aftermath of Marriage	3
	The Impact of Separation and Divorce	4
	Preseparation	9
	Transition-Restructuring	10
	Recovery-Rebuilding	15
	Is Divorce Worth It? The Verdict Is ...	16
2	Legal Fundamentals: What Everyone Should Know	18
	A Primer on Current Divorce Trends	18
	Selecting an Attorney	19
	Marital Settlement Agreements	21
	Litigation	22
	Divorce Mediation: An Alternative to an Adversarial Divorce	23
3	Stress and the Emotional Roller Coaster: Tools to Cope	27
	Coping with Stress	28
	Dealing with Anxiety	31
	Feeling like a Robot: Is There a Person in There?	35
	Sadness and Grief: The Importance of Mourning	36
	Thoughts about Your Ex: "Am I Going Crazy?"	37
	Feelings of Rejection, Worthlessness, and Failure	39
	Euphoria: Why Can't It Always Be like This?	40
4	Feeling Defeated and Immobilized: How to Combat Depression	42
	Taking Action	43
	Doing a Tune-Up on Your Thinking	46
5	What Do I Do with All This Anger?	53
	Where Does It All Come From?	54
	When Anger Is Self-Defeating	55
	How to Deal with Self-Defeating Anger and Let It Go	57
	Dealing with "New" Anger Constructively	64
II	Children and Divorce	67
6	Divorce through a Child's Eyes	69
	Children's Divorce Experience	70
	Is It Better to Divorce When Children Are One Age versus Another?	78
	How Long Are Children Likely to Experience Problems?	83
	"Should We Stay Together for the Children's Sake?"	84
7	Critical Ingredients for Children's Adjustment	86
	Parents' Prolonged Conflict versus Cooperation	87
	Children's Relationships with Both Parents	88
	The Quality of Parenting and Stability in the Primary Home or Homes	91
	Amount of Additional Stress in Children's Lives	93
	Social Support	96
	Temperament and Predivorce Adjustment	96
8	Conflict! The Number One Predictor of Children's Poor Adjustment after Divorce	98
	How Children Experience Conflict	99
	The Many Faces of Conflict: The Trauma of Being Caught in the Middle	100
	The Nightmare of Transitions	105
	Conflict's Repercussions for Children	106
	Surviving the Conflict	109
	Custody Battles: The Most Damaging of Postdivorce Conflicts	111
9	Fostering Children's Long-Term Adjustment: A Step-by-Step Guide	116
	Starting Out Right	117
	How to Create a Stable Home Life	124
	How to Shore Up Your Relationship with Your Child	128
	How to Become a Communication-Friendly Parent	130
	Fostering Your Child's Relationship with the Other Parent	131
	If the Other Parent Has Dropped Out	134
	Limiting the Amount of Change in Children's Lives	135
	Arranging Social Support for Children	136
	Contain the Conflict!	137
	Should You Seek Professional Help?	137
	Divorce and the Steeling Effect	139
III	Rebuilding a Rewarding Single Life	141
10	Your Emotional Divorce: Stepping-Stone to a Rewarding New Life	143
	Setting the Stage: Separation	144
	Early Steps	146
	Disengaging from Your Spouse	147
	Dislodging Your Spouse from Your Mind	149
	Your Account	150
	Mourning and Rituals	152
	Letting Go of Your Anger	154
	The Power of Forgiveness	155
	The Role of Social Support	156
	Reinvolving Yourself	157
	Final Resolution	158
11	Rebuilding	161
	Rebuilding Self-Esteem	162
	Overcoming Your Identity Crisis	165
	Coping with the Lonely Times	167
	Building a New Social Support Network	169
	Opportunities for Personal Growth	171
12	Communicating with an Ex-Spouse: Ten Tools that Will Make the Difference	173
	Use "I" Messages	174
	Turn Complaints into Requests	175
	Attack the Problem, Not the Person	176
	Offer Suggestions, Not Solutions	177
	Tune Up Your Listening Skills	178
	Avoid Button-Pushing Language	178
	Be Respectful	179
	Use Disarming Tools	180
	How to Keep Your Cool	180
	Use Effective Negotiating Tools	181
13	New Romantic Relationships	184
	Building a Strong Foundation	185
	What If There Are Children?	187
14	How to Create a Successful One-Parent Home	193
	Creating a Home in Which Your Children Can Thrive	193
	Creating a Home in Which a Single Parent Can Thrive	200
	The Consequences of Growing Up in a One-Parent Home:Facts or Myths?	206
15	The Parent without Custody: Dilemmas and Solutions	207
	The "Visitation" Dilemma	207
	The Important Role of the Nonresident Parent	209
	Solutions for the "Visitation" Dilemma	210
	Parenting at a Distance	215
	Parenting Young Children at a Distance	217
	The Myth of the Inconsequential Parent	219
IV	Co-Parenting Children after Divorce	221
16	Custody: What's the Real Scoop?	223
	Legal Custody versus Physical Custody	224
	Physical Custody: Joint versus Sole Custody	225
	Mother Custody versus Father Custody	230
	Split Custody: Should Siblings Stay Together?	233
17	Parenting Plans: Blueprints for a Smooth Future	236
	The Nuts and Bolts of a Parenting Plan	236
	Selecting a Parenting Schedule Tailored to Your Family	244
	Guidelines for Children's Developmental Needs	248
18	Making Co-Parenting Work	253
	How to Build a Co-Parenting Relationship	255
	Seven Keys to Sound Co-Parenting	260
19	Ending the Conflict: A Step-by-Step Approach	268
	High-Conflict Parents: Could This Be You?	269
	Steps to Protect Children from Conflict	271
	Steps to End the Conflict	278
	Extraordinary Steps for Extraordinary Conflict	284
	A Wise Step: Co-Parenting Counseling	286
20	How to Discipline Effectively and Still Be a "Good Guy"	288
	Different Parenting Styles and Their Repercussions	289
	The Principles of Positive Parenting	290
	Discipline and Teens	297
	Your Relationship with Your Children: The Foundation of Effective Discipline	303
V	Stepfamilies	305
21	Stepfamily Myths versus Stepfamily Reality	307
Myth #1	Remarriage Is Often Just What Is Needed to Help People Get Back on Their Feet after Divorce	309
Myth #2	When We Get Married We Will Have an Instant Family	309
Myth #3	When We Get Married the Children Will Be Able to Have a Traditional Family	310
Myth #4	Well-Adjusted People Can Adapt to Stepfamily Life after a Brief Adjustment Period	312
22	Losing Strategies: Eight Common Paths to Serious Stepfamily Problems	316
Losing Strategy #1	Trying to Replace the Out-of-Home Parent	316
Losing Strategy #2	Creating a False Sense of Togetherness	318
Losing Strategy #3	Forced Blending	318
Losing Strategy #4	Dramatically Changing Parent-Child Relationships	319
Losing Strategy #5	Assuming Authority Too Quickly	320
Losing Strategy #6	Resisting Family Blending	321
Losing Strategy #7	Trying to Shut Out the Out-of-Home Parent from Children's Lives	322
Losing Strategy #8	Denying Problems and Conflicts	322
23	Learning What Works: Successful Strategies for Stepfamilies	324
Strategy #1	Communicate Openly	324
Strategy #2	Set Realistic Family Goals	327
Strategy #3	Build a Strong Couple Relationship	330
Strategy #4	Move Slowly; Do Not Push	331
Strategy #5	Develop Your Own Unique Role with Your Stepchildren; Do Not Try to Replace Their Out-of-Home Parent	335
Strategy #6	Let the Biological Parent Handle Discipline While the Stepparent Bonds with Stepchildren	336
Strategy #7	Build a Family Identity	338
Strategy #8	Do Not Try to Shut Out the Out-of-Home Parent or Force Loyalty	340
VI	Overview and Appendixes	345
24	Closing Remarks	347
Appendix A	How to Make Changes in Your Life and Stick to Them	353
Appendix B	Learning a Deep Relaxation Technique	356
Appendix C	Sample Parenting Plans	358
Appendix D	Suggested Reading	363
	Notes	367
	Selected Sources	369
	Index	375