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Foreword by The Stork ix
From the Author xv
Chapter 1 Conception: When Wanted Life Begins 3
It, and the Doing Thereof
Tinkering with the Essence of Life in a Lab: A Recipe for Success!
They're Called "Love Children" Because You Have to "Love Children" to Have Them
DNA: The Body's Snitch
Your Parents, Total Incompetence, and You
Chapter 2 Throughout Your Fetalcy 17
Choosing a Doctor That's Right for Your Doctor
Booze, Cigs, Drugs, and the Death of Fun
Coffee Yes, Cat Shit No: Surprising Health Tips
Everything in Your House Is Out to Get You
The Pregnancy Diet: You'll Have the Soup
Chapter 3 Month 1: An Introduction to Existentialism 35
Best Weeks Ever! 1-4
Acing Your Home Pregnancy Test
From G-spot to Anus: Meet the Neighbors!
Only an Embryo, and Already Lying About Your Age
Twins: Separating the Schwarzeneggers from the DeVitos
When the F in MILF Stands for "Feel More Confident About Her Physical Appearance"
Chapter 4 Month 2: Making Mitosis Fowrtosis 51
Best Weeks Ever! 5-8
Jaws II: The Return of All of Mommy's Food
Daddy's (Sym)Pathetic Pregnancy
Noon: The New 7 a.m.
A Bountiful Harvest of Urine
Pregnancy at the Workplace: When the Watercolor Conversation Becomes "Wow, She Looks Like a Watercooler"
Chapter 5 Month 3: Vaguely Human! 69
Best Weeks Ever! 9-13
The Other Bloating Sensation in Her Abdomen
Sadness, Anxiety, Happiness, and Depression: Overcoming Happiness
Who Should Gain More Weight, You or Mom?
Celebrity Babies: When B-listers Get C-sections
Chapter 6 Month 4: Pardon the Protrusion 85
Best Weeks Ever! 14-17
It Looks Like Breast Milk, but It'sToo Early and It's Coming from Her Vagina
Maternity Fashion: Today's Hottest Muumuus!
Don't Like My Pregnancy? Dial 1-800-FUCK-UTE
You're All Going to Paris, but Only Two of You Will Actually See the Eiffel Tower
Getting in Shape When You Don't Yet Have One
Chapter 7 Month 5 Acknowledging Your Flailings 101
Best Weeks Ever! 18-22
Paging Ralph Macchio
By the Way, Haydn Wrote 104 Symphonies, but Nobody Blasts Him into Mom's Abdomen
The Technicolor Dreamscape of Pregnancy Skin
Sonograms and Daughterograms
When Daddy Penetrates Mommy: Your Insider's Guide
Chapter 8 Month 6: Threshold of Unabortability 117
Best Weeks Ever! 23-27
Why the Entire Bus Is Allowed to Rub Mom's Belly
Camel: Humps Pregnant Woman: Feet
Tusks
A Topic Too Disturbing Not to Deliberately Mishear
Childbirth Classes: It's Never Too Early for Parents to Get Ripped Off Paying for School
Chaster 9 Month 7: Third Trime's the Charm 131
Best Weeks Ever! 28-31
Whew! It Was All a Dream ...or Was It? [Dramatic Sting, Tight Shot of Umbilical Cord]
Prepartum Stress About Postpartum Life: Let's Just Focus on the Partum, Shall We?
Birth Plans: Beyond "Step 1: Fuck"
Doulas and Don'tlas
Can't the Internet Make Our Babies for Us Already?
Chapter 10 Month 8: Allow Six to Eight Weeks for Delivery 149
Best Weeks Ever! 32-35
Urine: This Time, It's Personal
B-section Too Pricey? D-section Too Tacky? Consider This Compromise
Baby Showers, Followed by 50 Percent Chance of Baby Freezing Rain
It Was "MomDad"; Now It's "MomYouDad": Guess Who Got Between Them?
Tits Tits Tits Tits Tits!
Chapter 11 Month 9: Paradise Almost Lost 165
Best Weeks Ever! 36-40
The Nesting Instinct: Twigger, Please!
Round, Firm, and Fully Packed
A Live Band in the Delivery Room, or Just a DJ?
Water Breaking? We'll Show You How to Fix It
False Labor: Making the Maternity Ward Become the "Psych!" Ward
It's the Second Monday in September, and Still No Labor Day
Call You Ishmael, or Possibly Jayden
Chapter 12 Labor and Delivery: Mom at Her Pushiest 181
Live with Regis and Four Newborns!
Chapter 13 Months 10-1, 000: A Time of Transition 195
Childhood, Adulthood, Old Age, and Other Miscellany
Acknowledgments 199
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Add What to Expect When You're Expected: A Fetus's Guide to the First Three Trimesters, This new second edition is filled with the latest, most accurate wombhood information, including comforting answers to hundreds of questions, such as • My mother just took a sip of white wine. Am I going to end up looking like some Chernobyl baby now?, What to Expect When You're Expected: A Fetus's Guide to the First Three Trimesters to the inventory that you are selling on WonderClubX
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Add What to Expect When You're Expected: A Fetus's Guide to the First Three Trimesters, This new second edition is filled with the latest, most accurate wombhood information, including comforting answers to hundreds of questions, such as • My mother just took a sip of white wine. Am I going to end up looking like some Chernobyl baby now?, What to Expect When You're Expected: A Fetus's Guide to the First Three Trimesters to your collection on WonderClub |